Forever Friends

Evan was such an good baby that the decision to give him a sibling was an easy one. When he was 17 months old we found out that I was pregnant and later learned that Evan would soon have a little sister. Lia Grace was born September 6, 2007, the day before Evan turned two years old. We wanted them to be about two years apart, but didn't know they would end up that close! The relationship that developed between Evan and Lia can only be described as a winding path with many twists and a few very sharp turns.

Every parent knows the first few months with your new baby are marked by how long the baby nursed or how many ounces of formula the baby took and how long the baby slept. Especially how long the baby slept at night, when every minute counts and you are praying for the day you can celebrate their most important childhood milestone (no, not starting school, riding a bike or losing their first tooth), but sleeping through the night. For this milestone also marks the return of a mother's sanity. If this baby is not your first, then this theory is shot to hell because your sanity went out the window a long time ago. With your firstborn, time runs like molasses and you can gaze at your baby endlessly and actually have time to shower and eat a full meal. With your second baby, you are equally in love, but somehow you blink and they are two years old and you hope you took some pictures during the last couple years because you can't remember much of how it went down. You also have to adjust to this new busy life with sacrifices, like grocery shopping at night with the weirdos and blow drying your hair biannually.

When Lia was a baby, Evan was two years old and undiagnosed. There were a few moments of concern, but overall we didn't realize anything major was amiss. We did learn very quickly that Evan was not a fan of Lia's high-pitched cry. Every time she wailed, so did he (hello sensory issues). After much explaining about why babies cry and soothing them both after an outbreak of double tears, things began to calm down. Lia was a happy baby who ate well and slept through the night at ten weeks (just like her brother). Evan was not particularly interested in her. By not interested, I mean she basically didn't exist in his world. And at this time "his world" was a very insular place and it would still be a while before we realized this and worked to get him out of there.

But Lia was very interested in her brother and watched his every move. She laughed at everything Evan did and as soon as she could move it was game on. She wanted to grab his toys, his sippy cup, his hair. This was during Evan's "everything has its place and it's usually in a line across the floor that nobody should touch" phase. Yeah, she touched it and the aftermath wasn't pretty. His order was turning to chaos and he was not happy about it. We did our best to talk him through it and calm him down. In hindsight, if Lia wasn't there, Evan would have probably delved deeper into those rigid behaviors and we wouldn't have had the opportunity to show him how to work through those feelings of anxiety.

Finally, Evan started to realize Lia was around and could be put to good use. Evan has always been heavy into scripting. He will often repeat or act out dialogue from shows or movies. At two years old, Evan used very little original language. He was always scripting and soon discovered that Lia was a great prop. We spent a great deal of time teaching Evan that Lia had feelings and she didn't like to be hit over the head with a broom stick. Although I think she was just happy he was paying her some attention.

When Evan was three years old, he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and we immediately got him into speech therapy, occupational therapy and social skills. By the time Evan turned four years old we had seen lots of progress and were ecstatic. As Lia got older we realized that she was a little sponge and was picking up on everything. When the yard men would arrive and Evan would get worried she would say, "it's OK Evan, it's just the lawn guys, they're cutting the grass." When a movie scene was on that Evan didn't like, he would cover his ears and Lia would notice. She'd say, "it's OK Evan, it's not too scary" and go turn down the volume. His little sister had become his little protector.

A challenge with individuals with Asperger's is identifying with other people's emotions and showing empathy. Well, one day Evan woke up and was overflowing with empathy for his sister. We were going out to dinner and trying to get the kids out of the house. We pulled the classic, "OK Lia we're leaving without you." Evan grabbed Lia and practically dragged her out the door while telling us emphatically, "we can't leave Lia, she has to come with us!" We could tell by the tone of his voice that he really thought we were going to leave her and had to explain that we were just saying that to get her to hurry up. It happened again when we were out on a walk and I told Lia that the next time she dropped Emma (her favorite doll) I was not picking her up. Evan lunged over Lia and grabbed Emma for safe-keeping. Literal vs. figurative -- that's a hard one for Aspies.

Evan had always preferred to play by himself, but as Lia got a bit older they began to play together. There has been a lot of chasing each other around the kitchen, turning the couch into the Wonder Pets' fly boat, pretend picnics, and movie reenactments. Lia is always concerned about Evan and Evan is equally concerned about Lia. In the morning when everyone gets in bed together, the first thing I hear is Evan saying, "LIA!!!" His face lights up and he goes in for a big bear hug. She usually claws his face (she's not a morning person). But there is love and I see it and feel it and it sustains me. Then I put on a show and try to get 20 minutes more sleep.

I know the path of their relationship will continue to twist and turn, but I hope their love for each other will keep their bond strong. I hope they continue to protect each other. I know that Lia has already taught Evan so much and her place in his life is extraordinary. I hope she will feel the same way about him. Those first feelings of empathy and concern have swelled into serious love and affection. They are the best of friends. I know that if he can feel and show love with his sister, he will do so with others and have many more successful relationships in his life. But this one is so special because this one is forever.